A short guide to successfully get into the Iceman. Within five hours. Give or take two hours. How much fun did you have last year trying to get into the Iceman Cometh? Loads. You bet your ass you did. In the spirit of tossing down $75 for a bike race half a year away, here’s a brief handbook to make the longest, hardest part of the race, a breeze.

1. Take the day-off.  Screw it. You’re not going to get anything done anyway. Call in sick. Take a three day weekend, kicked off with a few hours perched in front of a computer clicking furiously.

2. Complain on Facebook. You didn’t get in immediately? You’d better get on MyFace and start complaining. If you’re the first to whine, you’ll probably get moved directly to the front of the virtual queue. Count on it. It’s a fool proof plan. Note: Early odds are on the famously smart-mouthed Jon Dub-Nine to set the early standards on snark.

3. Check your license. So you think your license is up to date, or do you know it’s up to date? Have you checked 47 times this week? Have you added an international license, just to be sure? USA Cycling needs you to upgrade you license to the $60 level, just cause. Really. Do it.

4. Research. There’s going to be something like 3,000 people signing up for this darn thing. You might as well start your research now. The most effective thing to do is start with Adam Alexander and go through the entire alphabet, making a spreadsheet of every racer’s time with a column at the end that measures a plus or minus on your top time ever. This is going to be very handy come race time, as you wind your way through a wave of 2,000 people armed with Camelbaks and puffy coats.

5. Use Your Time Wisely. Iceman has promised that the site won’t crash. They’ve recruited Amazon servers to carry the load, and have gone to even greater lengths to make sure you’re just a few clicks away from spending money. Don’t hold your breath. Get up, get on, and while you watch the screen lock up, maybe write on Batty’s, Gould’s and Irmiger’s Facebook walls to remind them just how much fun they had last year.