The following is an open letter from a disgruntled wasp. The suicide note was found just hours after the wasp delivered a stinging political protest that ultimately led to the postponement of the much anticipated SOL World Championships.
Okay, look humans. I know you’re all really excited about you spandex and your bikes, but we’ve got things going on out in these woods, things you wouldn’t understand, things you couldn’t understand. This is the wild. This is every day. We are out there trying to do wasp-stuff, and you’re all up in our shit with your fat bikes and your Tour de Vuelta Competition BULLshit.
I’m going out there to sting somebody, and yeah, I know, I might get smushed in the process. I understand that the second I unleash my ass danger into that Cody Sovis, my days are numbered. I can live with that. What I can’t live with, humans, is you guys coming out here and having fun while us animals are trying to survive with rain storms, non-stop logging, and fake amateur bike races going on.
I don’t know what to live for anymore, but I know that this day will live in infamy for years to come.
Signed,
One Pissed Off Wasp
__ ___ ____ ____ ____ _____ _____ ______ _____ ____ _____ _____ _____
The effect of the pissed off wasp were certainly uncomfortable, perhaps unbearably so for the on-lookers. With Sovis passed out on the start line, each and every rider was faced with a crushing dilemma. Help make sure Sovis lived, or quietly and carefully sneak off on course and win a World Championship. Kyle Macdermaid inched in that direction, but ultimately, the social pressure not to be ‘that guy’ brought him back to the scene of much concern to offer wisdom as profound as “lift his head up” and “slap him and see if he wakes up”.
Everyone rose to the demands of a dire situation, right from the start. After Sovis stupidly vowed to race, he passed out into the big, strong and conveniently placed arms of Chris Klau. The entire SOL crew circled to create a wasp-defense ring, a veritable lycra phalanx against further attacks. As ambulances ambled (that’s where the name derives from, you know) lazily to the scene, riders just moments ago prepared to do battle worked together to urge paramedics away from what we assume was the dodge ball pit at Timber Ridge, exploring the tremendous new Meijer (seriously, have you been there? It’s palatial!) or casually perusing the notice board at the Bunker Hill warming-hut.
Jaden Drews completed a Balto-like relay of medication, meeting his wife, Sarah, for an EpiPen and dashing back at break neck speed. Lars Welton, being the class act he is, readied the medicine with Jeff Galsterer looking on and ready. Like the famous scene in Pulp Fiction, he raised his brilliantly sculpted arm and delivered the life-saving blow. Unfortunately, Cody’s reaction was way lamer than expected and he just sort of kept laying there like pale white lump.
Viewer Discretion Advised. Cam and Braiden, don’t watch this.
The Speed of Light World Championships will take place September 22 at 6.15pm from Ec or 6.30 from Bunker.
Cody is alive. Totally fine. For reals.